About two years ago, things started getting really ugly between me and one of my best friends. In short, I started dating a guy, I probably talked about him a lot and seemed pretty distracted, and she started acting very mean in a very short time.
Right before my wedding, 9 months ago, things got even worse. False, very offensive rumors were being spread about me, I was ready to explode nearly every minute with stress and anger towards her. I let a lot of it out to my closest friends, but kept so much anger, so much bitterness, so much.... hatred.. inside. I had never known such a powerful, dangerous-feeling emotion before. Sure, I had gotten into fights before and I often stayed angry for a little longer than I would now, but what I felt towards this girl was pure rage.
It ate away at my happiness. At my wedding (which she attended, since I invited her before our really bad fight), I found myself wishing she would get up and leave. She watched me and smiled at me all the time. I can't stand fake. Anything fake. And we were both putting on a show for the sake of our other friends around us. On my wedding day, something like that should be the last thing on my mind.
About a month ago, I sat on my bed alone. I had the whole house to myself. I had been having angry thoughts towards her again after she was brought up at a Bible study. Everyone was talking about her like she was just another person. But she wasn't. Her name made my blood boil. My mind would go fuzzy while it brought up all those year old memories of screaming at each other, the passive aggressive remarks on the internet, to our other friends, the days where I considered just yelling the most vile things into her face to try and make her feel like I was.
As I sat on my bed, I cried to myself because I felt like it would never be over. She had moved away, yes. But she'd be back in the summer. And because we shared a lot of friends, I could never escape her completely. I was in just as much turmoil as I was when those moments were actually happening.
I had been growing farther away from God in the last year. I felt it. I knew it. And deep inside of me, I knew I needed to seek Him first and then my peace would come. But I am so stubborn and let other things come before God. But it's been getting better, thanks to the guidance of my wonderful husband. I've been more relaxed and happy in this last month. I nearly forgot about her.
And then, on Friday, I came home for lunch. I had a facebook message from her, asking if I wanted to hang out with her this week. I didn't know what to say. I had asked about 4 months ago to get together one last time so we could at least act civil when we do see each other. But she hadn't responded. And suddenly, as I read her words that were so un-naturally friendly for how things were left between us, I realized something. Things were never going to work out. We did not get along and that's just how it is.
When I told her this, she got angry with me, called me names I won't repeat. But you know what? I wasn't mad. Of course my first reaction was to let hate raise its ugly head again and hurl insults back, but the feeling passed so quickly. I suddenly understood something. I had forgiven. I had move on with my life.
She didn't take my words nicely, but I hope one day she'll realize that I really don't hold anything against her. It feels amazing to say it, to be able to even type those words out. I forgive her. I forgive myself for the things I did wrong. It's over. Just because I can't be friends with her doesn't mean she's a bad person, or that I think less of her. She told me she had realized I'm "really not worth it", and told me to have a nice life, and just as I was about to react, God whispered in my ear. And I will forever remember what I heard.
"No one is EVER 'not worth it'. I simply put them on this earth for someone other than you to love with a fierce devotion. Every one my children are precious, sacred, and so loved."
To anyone of you who has gone through the pain of losing one of your best friends, you know what I'm talking about when I say it's heart wrenching. I felt so much pain, not only from how things ended, but that they did, in fact, end. But I have so much peace now, and I can only hope she finds it too. We both have so many people that love us dearly and most importantly, the same Heavenly Father.
Beautiful.
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